Door Industry Journal - Winter 2012

Also online at: www.dijonline.co.uk 64 THE door industry journal winter 2012 take a break MAD WIFE DISEASE A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. “What was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained. “Oh honey, I'm sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.” Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” “Your horse phoned.” FOOTBALLIN’ HEAVEN! Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there”. Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you”. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike - Mike”. “Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Mike - it's me, Joe”. “You're not Joe. Joe just died!” “I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,” insists the voice. “Joe! Where are you?” “In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news”. “Tell me the good news first,” says Mike. “The good news,” Joe says, “is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!” “That's fantastic,” says Mike. “It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?” “You're in the team for this Saturday”. TECHNOLOGY EH! I was visiting the daughter and son-in-law of a friend the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “This is the 21st century” she said. “We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.” I can tell you, that damned fly never knew what hit it. PUNOGRAPHICS I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. PMS jokes aren't funny; period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. Velcro, what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.